Loving It, Tired of It, Not Ready to Leave
I can feel the end of our adventure starting to come into focus, and I don’t think I’m ready for it.
For so long, this was the thing we were working toward. It was the “someday.” It lived out in the distance. Something we talked about and chipped away at. And then suddenly…we were in it. And once we were in it, it felt like it would last forever. A dream we would never have to wake up from.
Days blurred into each othr in the best way possible. New places, new routines, the rhythm of moving, anchoring, exploring. The kind of life where time stretches out and you stop counting days. Where “what day is it?” becomes a normal question, and it doesn’t really matter if you know the answer. I think part of me believed it would always feel like this. I never really contempated the end.
In some ways, I’ve started to settle into it more than I expected.
I’ve noticed it in small ordinary moments. Making dinner. Doing laundry (recently by hand). The kinds of tasks that, at home, always feel rushed. Something to get through as quickly as possible. At home I dread doing laundry. Here, it is so much more laborious, yet strangley meditative and more enjoyable. At home, everything feels compressed. Rushing from one thing to the next. Not enough time in the day. Chopping vegetables as fast as possible just to get food on the table. Always a step behind, always trying to catch up. But here, the day feels different. There’s more room in it for living.
I’ve caught myself slowing down without even trying. Standing at the counter, not rushing. Not thinking about what’s next. Just doing the thing in front of me. Existing in the moment. Its such a different feeling. It’s hard to explain, but I can feel it in my body. Like my shoulders have slowly come down from my ears. Like something has softened. I didn’t even realize how tightly wound I was until I wasn’t anymore.
But now there’s this quiet shift. Nothing has really changed, but everything feels a little more finite. We’re starting to talk about what’s next. Dates and plans, where we need to be and when. Newport. Summer. Back to VErmont. New school for Ben. Real life creeping back in.
And with that comes… pressure. Did I do enough school with Theo? Did we take too many days off to swim with turtles or just enjoy a new beach? Are we actually going to finish all of 3rd grade math or am I going to be cramming Khan Academy lessons in the final weeks trying to check a box? Did I let the brightwork go too long without putting more coats on?
It’s funny how quickly your brain can shift from “this is amazing, I never want this to end” to a running list of everything you might not have done well enough. On top of that, you have the regular annoyances of life. Kids bickering in a small space. Pre-teen arguments over the decision to switch schools. Appliances breaking at the rental property back home. Projects to be managed from hundreds of miles away. Work stresses.
Some days feel easy and magical, like this is exactly how life is supposed to be lived. And other days? You just want out. You want space. Quiet. A break from the motion and the noise and the responsibility of holding all of it together.
That’s what is so confusing to me right now. How you can deeply love something and still feel completely overwhelmed by it? How you can not want it to end… and also have moments where you’re ready for it to. I guess both can exist at the same time.
That’s where I feel like I’m living right now. Right in the middle of those two truths.
I can also feel another familiar pattern creeping in. Anytime an adventure starts to wind down, I start looking for the next one.What’s the next plan? The next place? The next version of this feeling? Like I’m trying to soften the landing by giving myself something else to look forward to. Something new to build toward.
I don’t know what that next thing is yet. But I can feel the pull of it already. That quiet restlessness. The need to keep moving, to keep creating, to not let things settle for too long. Sometimes I wonder if that appetite for adventure is insatiable. Or maybe it’s just part of who we are. Or maybe I need to figure out how to find it more in “normal” life.
For now, I’m trying not to rush there. Im trying my hardest to stay right here a little longer. In these last days. Weeks. However much we have left. Letting things linger a little longer. Soaking in the moments.
Becuase I know this version of our life, the one we worked so hard to create, is already starting to become something we’ll look back on.
And I’m not quite ready for it to be a memory just yet…
-Lauren
